Why do we listen to commentary?

Sports commentators are infallible. They are at the top of the journalistic profession and are the envy of their peers and… ah never mind, we all know the vast majority of them are total crap and only got their jobs because they are ex-pros, or people who have taken a dose of Verb-Lax and have never been treated with a Mouth-Tipation.

But sometimes, the “experts” who destroy our eardrums come through with something that makes listening to their drivel all worth while. This is a list of my favorite 20.

20. “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.” – Basketball analyst.

19. “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off. – Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe.

Tossing one off

18. “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.” – ‘Winning Post’s’ Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead.

17. “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Softball announcer.

16. “Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres.” – A classic. Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, trying to tell radio listeners about a play.

15. “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?” – James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix.

14. “Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.” – Boxing Analyst.

13. “Ah, isn’t that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.” – Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977.

12. “Ballesteros felt much better after a 69 yesterday.” – Steve Ryder covering the US Masters

11. “Ralph, I would like to be able to tell the folks what happened on that play, but the Florida cheerleaders were shaking their fuzzy things right in front of us.” – Famous University of Kentucky commentator, Cawood Ledford on the interference of pom poms.

Hmmm, cheerleaders, fluffy things...

10. “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.” – Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports. (For those of you not down with the British lingo, dudes refer to their gals as their ‘missus’, jokes are always so much less funny when you have to explain them)

9. “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” – Metro Radio football match commentary.

8. “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.” – Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said.

7. “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.” – Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator.

6. “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now.” – Eurosports’ Jack Burnicle on superbike racer Colin Edwardes’s choice of tire.

5. “Spencer’s running across field calling out, ‘come inside me, come inside me.’” – Sky TV’s rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted.

"Come inside me! Come inside me!"

4. “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.” – Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open.

3. “One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them – Oh my God, what have I just said?” – US Open Commentator on the success of Arnold Palmer. (This one lost points on the list because the commentator realised he made a mistake, party pooper)

2. “I don’t like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him” – One more infamous quote from Mexted

1. “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” – 2004 Summer Olympics

Weightlifting, gross. No offense, unless you really want to take some

The more sports-conscious of you will have noticed that there are no quotes from the great Murray Walker, that is not an oversight on my part, if I had included his at least 17 of the 20 probably would have been his. There are websites dedicated to just quotes of his, so I decided to give some of the other commentators a chance to air their gems.

Murray Walker - The legend himself