Jacques Kallis is one hell of a boring guy. He really doesn’t have much to offer besides cricket. Which got me to thinking: what would this guy do if he wasn’t so damn good at playing with balls?
We all know that Jacques Kallis is basically mentally handicapped (sorry I meant retarded, no reason to not be politically correct). It is a well-documented fact that he went to Wynberg Boys High School. It is also believed he chose cricket because he realised that when he was batting there was both a scoreboard to count his runs for him, and a batting partner to read the scoreboard for him.
After making the Western Province cricket team he formed immediate bonds with Herschelle Gibbs. They bonded over there collective book-reading tally of zero, and Graeme Smith, who decided it would be very fun to have a pet that could talk and earn a salary.
Intelligence: Not a requirement for a professional cricketer
Taking all of these things into account it occurred to me that Jacques was quite fortunate to have been so talented at cricket. Otherwise what the hell could he do?
Hmm…
I think his perfect career if he hadn’t have been a cricketer would be to become a guide dog.
“What?!?” I can here you scream, “how dare you say that?!? Guide dogs have to be smart don’t they?”. Yes they do, but, apart from intelligence, he has all the qualities required to become a world class guide dog. He quite obviously has good eye sight, as evidenced by his cricketing career.
"Hey, blind dude! Over HERE!"
The way he responds to instructions from Graeme Smith shows that his hearing is obviously good enough, AND that he obeys instructions to the point where common sense (haha I used the phrase common sense in an article about Jacques Kallis – see that?) isn’t an issue.
The problem with with him being a guide dog is that he would take an awful long time to learn things. Not just because he is stupid – which he is – but look at how long it has taken him to adapt to one day cricket. Also, most of the time dogs are easier to understand.
Dogs can run faster. He is fat.
Favourite Food: Chicken Pasta
He is friends with Mark Boucher, which means if he was your guide dog you would have to put up with Bouch visiting every now and again, a terrible thought. But if Mark Boucher’s batting is an indication of how long he can stay in one place, he won’t be around long.
Jacques either wants to kiss him or eat him
He is dating her:
So once he becomes a guide dog she will probably leave him, as guide dogs don’t make as much as cricketers, and Jacques isn’t exactly Brad Pitt, or me. I’m not saying she is shallow or fickle, I’m saying she is practical and intelligent.
Some more fun facts about Jacques Kallis from his website:
Which superpower would you choose: Invisibility or Strength?
Invisibility – It’s funny cos he’s so fat
Who are you closest to in the team?
Probably Boucher as we spend a lot of time together off the field and live near to each other - Told you
Biggest challenge?
To continue growing as a player and a person – *Insert redundant fat joke here
The jokers in the team?
Gibbs and Nel are the pranksters – Small things amuse small minds, fools seldom differ, retards of a feather flock together. Take your pick.
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