The problem with major car companies like BMW is that when they see an opportunity to make some money, they get a little bit over excited. Like, for instance, the release of the next generation of the 5 Series that was launched last night. The press release they sent out was 85 pages of, “We are the best”, “Buy our shit” and “We are by far the mostest killer”. It is a ridiculously boring read to be honest with you, and I almost just feel like posting the whole thing so I don’t have to sift through all their rubbish.
For example:
“Through its sporting and elegant looks, typical BMW driving dynamics, outstanding efficiency and innovative comfort and safety features, the sixth generation of the BMW 5 Series Sedan convincingly reflects the supreme standard of the world’s most successful manufacturer of premium cars.”
Quite.
But I would never put you through 103 pages of that. Instead, I have rummaged through the verbal diarrhea that is the press release and removed as much of the projectile vomit as possible and kept the interesting stuff, hopefully.
The 5 Series is entering the market with one eight-cylinder and three six-cylinder petrol engines as well as one six-cylinder diesel. The top model is the BMW 550i, so the focus will be mostly here, powered by a V8 with BMW TwinPower Turbo featuring High Precision Injection with and output of 300 kW.
Evolution of the BMW 5 Series
Unfortunately the Americanisation of all things, everywhere, is extending to luxury cars as the 5 Series standard transmission across all models is an eight-speed automatic transmission. The Jeremy Clarkeson favourite flappy paddle transmission is an available extra expense.
Parking Assistant, a collision warning and brake initiation function in conjunction with Active Cruise Control and Stop & Go, Surround View and the Speed Limit Device are all available for the first time on the 5 Series. Other gadgets available are Lane Departure Warning, Lane Change Warning, a High-Beam Assistant, BMW Night Vision able to detect even individual persons, Park Distance Control and a reverse-view camera.
But NONE of it comes standard. In fact there seem to be so few standard gizmos on the 5 series, if you ever consider buying one of these, you may want to check that a steering wheel and a few doors are included in the floor price.
After boasting about all their super technology that you would have to sell your granny to get hold of, their list of standard features really did make me laugh. They feel like it is worth mentioning that, and I’m not making this up, seat belts are a standard feature. As far as I knew it was against the law to produce a car without them.
Also included in the list driving lights, break lights and headlights. Thanks BMW for your kindness and charitable spirit. They will also throw in an active engine compartment lid. I’m not sure if they are trying to say that the bonnet comes free of charge, but if they are then wow.
My personal favourite, at great expense through rigorous research and hours of hard labour, they have provided, completely free of charge, for the driver AND the front passenger. Headrests.
The less ridiculous standard features include Comfort Start, you don’t even need to use a key to start the car, a CD player radio with an AUX connection and a six-speaker sound system, and aircon.
There is very little of value in the rest of the 143 page press release for the neutral observer. I’m not kidding, a typical chapter heading go from Design: Bespoke Elegance and Sporting Aesthetics to Driving Experience: Unrivaled Dynamics. It’s like seeing gay people kissing, you understand why they are doing it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to get through.
I can tell you that the 5 Series is the first in its class to incorporate Electric Power Steering, and that the breaks are allegedly fade proof. I can also reveal that, due to unimaginable levels of engineering skill and expertise, the 5 Series is supposed to look particularly striking at night. These are some of the less biased parts of the press release.
All in all it seems like a pretty typical BMW release, fast, impressive, expensive. With a whole range of technology available, but only if you can get a loan from Donald Trump. In a way I’m glad the press release was only 179 pages long, with the arrogance radiating from BMW it could probably have been a lot longer.
Engine Specs
BMW 550i:
V8 petrol engine with TwinPower Turbo and High Precision Injection
Capacity: 4,395 cc, max output: 300 kW from 5,500–6,400 rpm
Max torque: 600 Nm/442 lb-ft from 1,750 – 4,500 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 5.0 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
10.4 ltr/100 km
CO2 emissions to the EU standard: 243 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.
BMW 535i:
Straight-six petrol engine with TwinPower Turbo,
High Precision Injection and VALVETRONIC
Capacity: 2,979 cc, max output: 225 kW at 5,800 rpm
Max torque: 400 Nm from 1,200 – 5,000 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 6.1 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
8.4 ltr/100 km
CO2 emissions to the EU standard: 195 g/km
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.
BMW 528i
Straight-six petrol engine with bi-VANOS
and VALVETRONIC
Capacity: 2,996 cc, max output: 190 kW at 6,600 rpm
Max torque: 300 Nm from 2,600 – 5,000 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 6.7 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
7.6 ltr/100 km,
CO2 emissions to the EU standard: 178 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.
BMW 523i
Straight-six petrol engine with bi-VANOS
and VALVETRONIC
Capacity: 2,996 cc, max output: 150 kW at 6,100 rpm
Max torque: 270 Nm from 1,500 – 4,250 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 7.9 seconds
Top speed: 234 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
7.6 ltr/100 km
CO2 emissions to the EU standard: 177 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.
BMW 530d
Straight-six diesel with aluminium crankcase, turbocharger with variable turbine geometry and common-rail direct fuel injection (piezo-injectors, max injection pressure 1,800 bar)
Capacity: 2, 993 cc, max output: 180 kW at 4,000 rpm
Max torque: 540 Nm from 1,750 – 3,000 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 6.3 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard: 6.2 ltr/100 km
CO2 emissions to the EU standard:
162 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.
BMW 520d
Straight-four diesel with aluminium crankcase, turbocharger with variable turbine geometry and common-rail direct fuel injection (magnetic valve injectors, max injection pressure 1,800 bar)
Capacity: 1,995 cc, max output: 135 kW at 4,000 rpm
Max torque: 380 Nm from 1,900 – 2,750 rpm
Acceleration: 0–100 km/h in 8.1 seconds (provisional),
Top speed: 225 km/h (provisional)
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard: 5.2 ltr/100 km
CO2 emissions to the EU standard: 137 g/km (provisional),
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.
James
Kyle Ecks
Jason Dude