The problem with major car companies like BMW is that when they see an opportunity to make some money, they get a little bit over excited. Like, for instance, the release of the next generation of the 5 Series that was launched last night. The press release they sent out was 85 pages of, “We are the best”, “Buy our shit” and “We are by far the mostest killer”. It is a ridiculously boring read to be honest with you, and I almost just feel like posting the whole thing so I don’t have to sift through all their rubbish.

For example:

“Through its sporting and elegant looks, typical BMW driving dynamics, outstanding efficiency and innovative comfort and safety features, the sixth generation of the BMW 5 Series Sedan convincingly reflects the supreme standard of the world’s most successful manufacturer of premium cars.”

Quite.

But I would never put you through 103 pages of that. Instead, I have rummaged through the verbal diarrhea that is the press release and removed as much of the projectile vomit as possible and kept the interesting stuff, hopefully.

The 5 Series is entering the market with one eight-cylinder and three six-cylinder petrol engines as well as one six-cylinder diesel. The top model is the BMW 550i, so the focus will be mostly here, powered by a V8 with BMW TwinPower Turbo featuring High Precision Injection with and output of 300 kW.

Evolution of the BMW 5 Series

Unfortunately the Americanisation of all things, everywhere, is extending to luxury cars as the 5 Series standard transmission across all models is an eight-speed automatic transmission. The Jeremy Clarkeson favourite flappy paddle transmission is an available extra expense.

Parking Assistant, a collision warning and brake initiation function in conjunction with Active Cruise Control and Stop & Go, Surround View and the Speed Limit Device are all available for the first time on the 5 Series. Other gadgets available are Lane Departure Warning, Lane Change Warning, a High-Beam Assistant, BMW Night Vision able to detect even individual persons, Park Distance Control and a reverse-view camera.

But NONE of it comes standard. In fact there seem to be so few standard gizmos on the 5 series, if you ever consider buying one of these, you may want to check that a steering wheel and a few doors are included in the floor price.

After boasting about all their super technology that you would have to sell your granny to get hold of, their list of standard features really did make me laugh. They feel like it is worth mentioning that, and I’m not making this up, seat belts are a standard feature. As far as I knew it was against the law to produce a car without them.

Also included in the list driving lights, break lights and headlights. Thanks BMW for your kindness and charitable spirit. They will also throw in an active engine compartment lid. I’m not sure if they are trying to say that the bonnet comes free of charge, but if they are then wow.

My personal favourite, at great expense through rigorous research and hours of hard labour, they have provided, completely free of charge, for the driver AND the front passenger. Headrests.

The less ridiculous standard features include Comfort Start, you don’t even need to use a key to start the car, a CD player radio with an AUX connection and a six-speaker sound system, and aircon.

There is very little of value in the rest of the 143 page press release for the neutral observer. I’m not kidding, a typical chapter heading go from Design: Bespoke Elegance and Sporting Aesthetics to Driving Experience: Unrivaled Dynamics. It’s like seeing gay people kissing, you understand why they are doing it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to get through.

I can tell you that the 5 Series is the first in its class to incorporate Electric Power Steering, and that the breaks are allegedly fade proof. I can also reveal that, due to unimaginable levels of engineering skill and expertise, the 5 Series is supposed to look particularly striking at night. These are some of the less biased parts of the press release.

All in all it seems like a pretty typical BMW release, fast, impressive, expensive. With a whole range of technology available, but only if you can get a loan from Donald Trump. In a way I’m glad the press release was only 179 pages long, with the arrogance radiating from BMW it could probably have been a lot longer.

Engine Specs

BMW 550i:

V8 petrol engine with TwinPower Turbo and High Precision Injection
Capacity: 4,395 cc, max output: 300 kW from 5,500–6,400 rpm
Max torque: 600 Nm/442 lb-ft from 1,750 – 4,500 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 5.0 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
10.4 ltr/100 km
CO₂ emissions to the EU standard: 243 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.

BMW 535i:

Straight-six petrol engine with TwinPower Turbo,
High Precision Injection and VALVETRONIC
Capacity: 2,979 cc, max output: 225 kW at 5,800 rpm
Max torque: 400 Nm from 1,200 – 5,000 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 6.1 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
8.4 ltr/100 km
CO₂ emissions to the EU standard: 195 g/km
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.

BMW 528i

Straight-six petrol engine with bi-VANOS
and VALVETRONIC
Capacity: 2,996 cc, max output: 190 kW at 6,600 rpm
Max torque: 300 Nm from 2,600 – 5,000 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 6.7 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
7.6 ltr/100 km,
CO₂ emissions to the EU standard: 178 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.

BMW 523i

Straight-six petrol engine with bi-VANOS
and VALVETRONIC
Capacity: 2,996 cc, max output: 150 kW at 6,100 rpm
Max torque: 270 Nm from 1,500 – 4,250 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 7.9 seconds
Top speed: 234 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard:
7.6 ltr/100 km
CO₂ emissions to the EU standard: 177 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.

BMW 530d

Straight-six diesel with aluminium crankcase, turbocharger with variable turbine geometry and common-rail direct fuel injection (piezo-injectors, max injection pressure 1,800 bar)
Capacity: 2, 993 cc, max output: 180 kW at 4,000 rpm
Max torque: 540 Nm from 1,750 – 3,000 rpm
Acceleration: 0 – 100 km/h in 6.3 seconds
Top speed: 250 km/h
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard: 6.2 ltr/100 km
CO₂ emissions to the EU standard:
162 g/km,
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.

BMW 520d

Straight-four diesel with aluminium crankcase, turbocharger with variable turbine geometry and common-rail direct fuel injection (magnetic valve injectors, max injection pressure 1,800 bar)
Capacity: 1,995 cc, max output: 135 kW at 4,000 rpm
Max torque: 380 Nm from 1,900 – 2,750 rpm
Acceleration: 0–100 km/h in 8.1 seconds (provisional),
Top speed: 225 km/h (provisional)
Average fuel consumption to the EU standard: 5.2 ltr/100 km
CO₂ emissions to the EU standard: 137 g/km (provisional),
full compliance with the EU5 emission standard.

Just a little sidebar tip here kids: If your boss ever says to you, “do it or I will later”, don’t ever let it get to a stage where he has to do it. You have been warned.

Uhm, ya cars, cool.

The Mazda MX-5 Roadster Coupé

In all honesty I didn’t understand why I was asked to add the MX-5 into this ‘new car release’ segment. I personally don’t get that excited about 3rd generation cars, that have nothing new about them, except maybe a slight remodel and a few new gizmos from Japan.

I was quite surprised, to find out that there were actually one or two tit-bits, but only one or two, that make this car quite interesting in it’s own right, and sets it apart from dad and grandpa. Or maybe not.

One thing that did make me giggle in the press release was that one of the awards they list the 3rd gen roadster as having won was the Top Gear magazine’s Roadster of the Year, an award that definitely raises the car a few levels in my eyes, but I’m not to sure about the more serious car junkies.

Unfortunately the latest MX-5 remake seems to be mostly cosmetic, with lots of talk of new grilles, new designs for the automatic roof and bumpers, new interior design and new graphics for the meters on the HUD.

Now on to the interesting stuff, hopefully.

The powertrain has been enhanced to enable the driver to enjoy the full potential of the engine’s performance. Specifically, the speed at which the engine delivers maximum power (118kW) has been raised from 6 700rpm to 7 000rpm and the rev limit has been raised from 7 000 to 7 500rpm.

The crucial 500rpm increase in the rev limit is enabled by higher-precision engine parts. Torque remains ample with 188Nm available at 5 000rpm.

Improvements to the six-speed manual transmission enable smoother shits up to the engine’s heightened rev limit of 7 500rpm.

They have also made significant improvements to the handling to improve the Jinba Ittai, or feeling of oneness between driver and car, first illustrated by Japanese Kamikaze fighter pilots, and continued through the Mazda MX-5.

There have also been improvements to aerodynamics and reduced wheel resonance. I was a little disappointed by the lack of new toys offered in a Japanese car, with new options only including a six channel equaliser and an AUX jack.

It will be retailing at about ¥ 4,125,514 or R 337,500.

The Mercedes E 63 AMG

This is where life gets a bit more interesting: New cars, with big engines! The E 63 sets itself apart from the rest of the E-class models at Merc, by finding itself in the AMG, the high performance brand of Mercedes, stable.

It sports a sexy AMG 6.3-litre V8 engine – I’m told that it’s the most powerful naturally-aspirated engine. It’s definitely bigger than mine, and mine can’t aspirate itself.

The AMG 6.3-litre V8 engine in the new E 63 AMG develops an output of 386 kW and a torque of 630 Nm, matching the outstanding figures for the SL 63 AMG. The high-performance Roadster has also donated its AMG SPEEDSHIFT MCT 7-speed sports transmission to the new model. This transmission dispenses with a conventional torque converter and uses a compact, wet start-up clutch. In conjunction with the four individual drive modes, the double-declutching and Race Start functions, the resulting direct connection to the power train allows an extremely emotional and highly dynamic driving experience. The E 63 AMG accelerates from standstill to 100 km/h in just 4.5 seconds, with an electronically-limited top speed of 250 km/h.

Despite 8 kW of additional output versus the preceding model, the fuel consumption of the new E 63 AMG has been significantly reduced by almost twelve percent. This progress has been made possible by an include on-demand delivery of fuel and alternator management with recuperation of braking energy on the overrun. The AMG SPEEDSHIFT MCT 7-speed sports transmission also makes a decisive contribution to fuel economy: a wet start-up clutch running in an oil bath replaces the previous torque converter. This unit responds extremely rapidly, dynamically and without the losses typical of a torque converter transmission thanks to its low rotational inertia.

The flagship AMG model in the E-Class traditionally meets the very highest expectations with respect to active and passive safety. Standard features include the new drowsiness detection system ATTENTION ASSIST, the unique anticipatory occupant protection system PRE-SAFE®, BAS PLUS, seven airbags and crash-responsive NECK-PRO head restraints. Standard safety features are brought to an unprecedented level in this vehicle class with the Lane Keeping Assist and Blind Spot Assist systems, the PRE-SAFE® Brake with an automatic emergency braking function, and Adaptive Highbeam Assist.  The optional Night View Assist further enhances these superior features.

The Price

R1 150 000, wow

The BMW M3 GTS

The BMW M3 GTS is largely hand-built by the most skilled craftsmen at BMW M GmbH Focused on motorsport, the modifications comprise both the drivetrain, the suspension and the body of the car, as well as its interior. Market launch of the BMW M3 GTS will be in spring (European) 2010.

Offering this truly exclusive model, apparently there are only going to be a thousand of them, it is being marketed as the perfect car for people who value exclusivity and get a hard-on from motorsport. BMW has come out saying that the technologies in this car have been developed through its extensive knowledge of the motorsport industry. And that its “race-oriented modifications enhancing both performance and safety”, the BMW M3 GTS will apparently be ready to go in Clubsport events on the track. So that the driver is able to make his way to the race track in the very same car he will use for racing. Chicks dig that shit.

Consistent Lightweight construction, adjustable aerodynamic units, an increase in engine size and output on the V8 high-speed power unit and suspension technology all gives the BMW M3 GTS a special place, around about the groinal region, among high-performance cars built for Clubsport racing.

Through its design and construction, the materials used and its special equipment, the BMW M3 GTS becomes a lightweight performer, offering a genuine motorsport driving experience in every respect, including exciting the females that come watch just like Schumi does.

The eight-cylinder power unit of the BMW M3 GTS has been enlarged in size, lucky bastard the websites never worked for me, to 4.4 litres and boosted output to some 450 hp boasts construction principles and technical details carried over directly from motorsport. The features typical of a motorsport engine include the crankcase made of a special aluminium-silicon alloy and constructed in bedplate design, individual throttle butterflies, anti-knock sensors with ion flow technology, and, wet sump oil supply optimised for supreme driving dynamics.

Power is transmitted in the BMW M3 GTS by the M double-clutch gearbox with Drivelogic also available as an option on the regular production model. This seven-speed MDKG Drivelogic gearbox follows a principle also developed for motorsport, shifting gears without the slightest interruption of engine power. The transmission was developed specifically for a particularly powerful high-speed engine. The gearshift characteristics on the seven-speed MDKG Drivelogic have been tailored specifically to the modified power unit of the BMW M3 GTS.

When you have a fast car with a big engine, you need big breaks that work fast. The high-performance brake system of the BMW M3 GTS features fixed callipers with six pistons up front and four pistons on the rear wheels. The race-oriented set-up of DSC Dynamic Stability Control naturally considers the supreme dynamic potential of the BMW M3 GTS. Different-sized tyres front and rear running on 19-inch M light-alloy Competition rims in double-spoke design ensure optimum transmission of acceleration and brake forces to the road.

EINDE

I’m a little sad, but at the same time relieved that Discharge isn’t a big enough entity to have secured test drives in any of these vehiculars. Sad because driving the M3 would probably culminate my being, and relieved as I have become quite excited, in the physical man sense, just writing about these cars and being given a chance to drive one, would only culminate in me needing to take a shower and change.