Fleshlight is a company who sells, …well…, products for a lonely male market. In fact scratch that. If you’re one of those people who who blushes and turns pink when the topic of a vibrator comes up, simply stop reading. If you continue you’d probably best not click the links in this article at work if your company has a strict policy on internet use. Actually, if that is the case, what are you doing reading blogs on company time? Get to work you mindless corporate drone.
For those of you still with me we will take a “penetrating ” look at the matter at “hand”. Can’t get laid? You’re not me then. Fleshlight wants to sell you an artificial vagina or mouth to ease your “load”. They market their products as stamina training devices in attempt to ease the deep self-loathing their customers feel upon clicking purchase. Their product line was originally designed to look like a “knockoff” Maglight so casual discovery could be avoided and with it the burning scorn that would and should be directed at the owner, hence the name fleshlight.
In theory, you'd place a penis in there
They have since added Sex in a Can to their product line which allows the owner to pretend they bought an overpriced and imaginatively-decorated beer off the internet.
Try explain why you keep your beer at the back of your sock drawer before the finder figures out how to open this thing.
Where things really take a serious downward turn though is with their latest product, The Succu Dry. A fleshlight can designed to imitate a vampire’s mouth, if a vampire had rubber teeth and an acne-ridden throat. The inspiration for this horror could only be the insipid teen romance/tale of homosexuality, known as the Twilight series. The most worrying part of the equation is that a market for this thing exists, meaning that there is some link between semi retarded teenage girls and men who dress like The Village People (I’ve been to adult world before, everyone in that place is wearing an unzipped leather biker vest). Why any man would want to stick his, and I quote from the product website here, “Stake” into this thing is beyond me but it seems that different strokes for different folks would be the phrase to use here.
It's actually modelled on Edward Cullen.
The major question for me though is why would anyone pay good money for this product when, should this be your kettle of “fish” (sorry) all one needs to do is find a male twilight fan, hand them a pair of plastic fangs, and let them do what they do best. Suck dick. Because guys who like twilight are, without exception, homosexual. Why spend $55 (that’s Over 400ZARs at time of writing) plus shipping an risk the potential embarrassment of having this thing discovered when you can get the same thing for free. You’re still a creep either way though.
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