Step One: Remain clothed as much as possible.
Edited for your displeasure.
Certainly, necessity would suggest that in order to get changed, one should at some stage have to be unclothed – this is a given and is quite acceptable. The issue of being unclothed only becomes an issue when, for example:
- Men sit bollocks-naked on the little benchy things (and thus leave scrot-box germs on them)
- Men take off their clothes to have a shower but then dawdle around; nispies swinging in the breeze,
- Men feel the need to put lotion on themselves, everywhere. Yes. Everywhere.
- Men find it necessary to shave, totally naked – in front of the mirror. Why would one need to be totally naked to do that; especially in the company of other men. Besides, just think what would happen if you dropped the razor…
- There are young good looking types bending down to tie their shoe laces and you walk past them with your nispy at eye height.
Step Two: Dress properly
I have seen people at the gym wearing Diesel shoes, Slip slops and most importantly a pair of Adidas Superstar 35th Anniversary shoes (the Berlin edition). Wear running shoes, that’s what god made them for.
When it comes to other clothing, one realises that body-builder types have mutated and abused their bodies to the point of them being unable to fit into normal clothes, but surely those silly oversized tee-shirts with the necks cut out of them are unnecessary? The same goes for those silly kind of pyjama/clown pants they wear.
In terms of women, is it necessary to wear as little as possible? Aren’t you afraid of popping out somewhere? I’ve heard stories of men “falling out” of those stupid running shorts, and while women’s anatomies certainly are more tantalising, surely this is a worry. One can still work out wearing a normal pair of shorts, instead of a pair the size of a glove.
Step Three: Do not touch yourself too much
Not only do muscle-mary types look at themselves in the mirror too much, I have personally witnessed one who was feeling his boob in the mirror. That can’t be good. The same goes for flexing in the mirror – can that not be done in the privacy of the home?
Step Four: If you sweat explosively, please do something about it
Some men manage to not just sweat so that it runs down their bodies, which is indeed a good indication that they are working hard, but some manage to get it to actually fly off their bodies on to the people surrounding them. If this occurs often, one should consider getting a plastic bubble in which to train.
Step Five: Don’t scream
We know you are strong. We know you can do big weights. We know your training partner is secretly in love with you and the tight cycling shorts you wear. It is not necessary to scream every time you lift; one understands the theory that screaming gives you a boost in order to lift heavier weights, but rather aim to scream inwardly, like the inward-screaming monks of Patagonia – they have been practising for hundreds of years. Similarly, do not throw your weights on to the ground after your set so that they make a big booming noise and everyone looks at you. Everyone knows you should take up another hobby, like reading – it’s not necessary to tell everyone.
That's a strong pepper. The other man has kind eyes.
Step Six: If you have strange tics, please try keep them to yourself
There are certain people one sees at the gym regularly and a small percentage of these people are twitchers (no, not bird-watchers, nutters). There is one lady who headbangs as she burns those calories on the stepping machine, and another who appears to shake her head while on the stationary bicycle, sunglasses on all the while.
I suggest therapy.
Step Seven: If you are going to use a spotter, do not get the spotter to do all the work
To give a quick definition of spotting: A spotter is someone who helps you to do the last 2-3 reps in a set of lifts. A spotter allows you to push yourself just past your limit and thus gain in strength. Many younger males of the human persuasion often take spotting to new highs. I have witnessed three people (veins bulging as they worked) helping someone lift an impossibly heavy weight for bench-press. This is silly. And stupid. Who are you fooling? Only your mom.
Step Eight: Parking close to the gym is redundant, you are going there to work out
Many people appear to spend ages circling the gym, looking for good parking. Surely if one is going to the gym to work out – it would help to park further away? Just a thought. Use it. Or use it.
Step Nine: Please bear in mind with the longer bars that as you take weights off one end it will cause the much-maligned see-saw effect.
Back when I was sixteen and still strong (seriously) a friend and I had just got off the bench-press and up sidled some middle-aged women – keen to improve those pecs of theirs. After complaining loudly that someone hadn’t taken the weights off, they began to take them off from only the one side, causing the much-maligned see-saw effect. The much-maligned see-saw effect occurs when the weights are taken off one side of the bar – this causes it to become unbalanced and as it becomes unbalanced – all of the weights on the heavier side slide off on to the floor – causing a huge kerfuffle and generally causing everyone to look at you. Now, as these women weren’t well versed in the much-maligned see-saw effect their actions caused it to happen, unfortunately for them; the lady wearing the ankle brace was standing on the side where all the weights fell off.
She was quite angry.
*Insert farting noise here*
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Step Ten: Be wary of leg press machines
Having 350kg pushing your legs down so that your knees are under your chin and you are stuck like a little man-pretzel inside some gym equipment is not that fun, and quite embarrassing.
Yours flexingly,
(oooh it feels so hard and big)
Pole Wit
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