I’ve got a tumblr blog I’ve been messing around with called: There’s Kaka! It’s in honour of the World Cup Soccer thing that’s happening in South Africa.

Check out some of my pics and the blog, I’ll give you a kiss on the lips.

http://thereskaka.tumblr.com/

Much more available at the tumblr place. If you’re a regular tumblrer, please feel free to give me some tips. I have no idea how it works. Jesus knows how I’ve managed to come this far with inserting pictures into my own blogs.

Yours yoursly,

PSW

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.“

-John F. Kennedy

I’ve come under a lot of fire recently for what my friends and co-workers have been calling my lack of patriotism, lack of gees (spirit), and general World Cup hate. I’d like to take this chance, on the eve of South Africa’s biggest moment in the spotlight since Nelson Mandela walked out of prison, to speak objectively about how I feel about all of this.  Maybe it’ll make some of you think a little differently about it, though it’s not my aim to try and change your mind.  I’m going to do it in two parts.

Part One – On Patriotism

It’s not my intention to bash my country, or football, or anybody who is interested in football.  It’s all great – don’t get me wrong.  It’s a cool thing for any country to host, and it’s nice to see everyone in a nation that is usually rather divided come together for a single purpose.

As I write this here in London, there are just about as many South African flags as their are English football flags.  It’s nice to see, but there is something about all of this that bothers me – and has bothered me ever since the hype really started to get going, well over a year ago.

It might seem odd that I began with the epithet by Kennedy.  I wholeheartedly disagree with it.  While the world is divided into nations, I believe that it is the governing bodies of those nations’ duty to serve those who live within its borders in the most unobtrusive way possible, while allowing the greatest possible civil liberty, and still providing social justice and infrastructure.

That, in my opinion, is the sole purpose of the state.  The state should never intervene in the private lives of its citizens – it should have no moral impact whatsoever on how those citizens choose to live their lives, and as little financial and civil impact as possible.  I take a lot of my views from Robert Nozick, whom I realise is unpopular these days.

As a counterfoil to Kennedy’s iconic soundbite, I would like to offer this quote:

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it”

-George Bernard Shaw

I was born in South Africa, and I have lived there for most of my life.  I am not an expatriate - I’m only in London temporarily.  But I’m glad to be here right now, and not there. Originally this was just because I saw most of the World Cup shenanigans as an inconvenience.  There is still no public transport aside from an unreliable train service (which I used to use daily) and hazardous or expensive taxis in Cape Town.  Daily life and mobility for citizens there will become difficult.  But that’s not the main issue.

My main issue is that we are all expected to suddenly be really stoked about being South African, and give a massive floating shit about how we perform in the World Cup.  Part-and-parcel of this, sadly, seems to be making those who do not share the national enthusiasm feel ashamed of their lack of spirit.

Personally I am fairly neutral about my country.  It has been good and bad to me.  It is where my friends and family live, and is an enjoyable place to live some of the time, but not others.  Public service is in a sad state, as is public transport and a number of other things people in the first world take for granted.  Crime is a constant worry, and this is something that a lot of people who have never lived elsewhere don’t seem to realise: there are places in the world where you do not have to lock your doors at night.

I myself have been a victim of crime several times, and once in quite a traumatising way.  I have struggled with inept social services, government infrastructure, racial inequality (yes, I’m white – we get it a lot too) and the educational system.  However, England has its own problems that citizens gripe about every day.  That being said, here’s a little graphic showing the number of murders in South Africa versus the United Kingdom last year:

My point is simply that there is no special reason to privilege your country.  It is something we are taught is right and good and proper – but it is entirely arbitrary. I am South African purely by accident of birth, and for no other reason.  I could just as easily have been born anywhere else in the world.  Since there is no particular reason I was born in South Africa, I see no particular reason to get more excited about South Africa than anywhere else.  In fact, there are a great many countries that, as objectively as possible, are “better” places to live than South Africa, and I challenge anyone to prove me wrong.

It is much like the majority of Ugandan citizens feel that it is appropriate that people found guilty of homosexuality receive prison sentences, or even the death penalty (in the case of homosexual sex with a minor).  A lot of people there (and they must exist because laws don’t happen when everyone thinks they’re a bad idea) believe in this as wholeheartedly as we believe that our country deserves our support when we’re playing a sport against another country.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my home.  But I love it in the way I love my dog, or my favourite bar.  It’s familiar, comfortable, I get my drinks cheap and they know me there.

Take, for example, the vast number of South Africans who support English Premier League football teams.  Most of these people have never been to Chelsea, or Liverpool, but fervently support them to the point of getting into physical fights with supporters of rival teams. They drive around with their team’s slogans on their cars, and sink into deep depression and drunkenness when their team loses. How these people decided to arbitrarily support one team over another has always escaped me.

It makes them happy, so good for them.  But I see no more reason to support Chelsea than I see to support South Africa in World Cup soccer.  I probably care more about South African rugby – not that I’m fond of rugby, but I do know the game better and once played it a little, so it’s slightly more familiar.  But I can’t say I even watched the last Rugby World Cup final.  This brings me to:

Part Two – On Football, and Sports in General

Most people like sports.  In fact, I very seldom meet someone who doesn’t like at least one sport, and most people like most of the popular sports on TV: cricket, rugby, tennis, football and even baseball or American football. But this is not something we are born with.  I usually find it difficult to explain to people that I do not follow any sports.  I was forced to play just about all of the above throughout high school.

I was never very good at any of them, and that could be for many reasons.  I was not naturally athletic, but neither are a lot of people who enjoy sports.  I simply had little interest, and received even less encouragement.  When that’s the case, it’s very unlikely you’ll develop any skill in, or affinity for, something.  It’s just like Accounting – I was fine with maths and physics and chemistry, but I just didn’t like Accounting.  I gave it up at the earliest opportunity.  I found it frustrating and discouraging, and my teachers did little to help that.  It’s no wonder I dropped it at the end of grade 10.

The same goes with sports. What I want to point out is that there is nothing wrong with not caring about sports.  It might seem unusual to most people, but it is perfectly natural to me.  I enjoy Formula One, because I like cars and strategy.  I like boxing because I enjoy the primal spectacle of two people engaging in a purely physical contest. But that’s about it.

My point is this: I do not care that much about the Football World Cup because I don’t like football.  I never have, and see no reason to start trying to enjoy it now.  I wish I could make people understand that.  It’s a massive media event, and completely in everybody’s face right now, and that’s why it seems like such a big deal to people that I’m so disinterested.  But when the World Maths Olympiad is on, nobody except those quite closely involved care about it (not that I’m one of them – it’s just an example).  The whole world doesn’t suddenly become mad about Maths and start supporting their favourite mathlete.

I don’t like Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber.  I don’t like ‘Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night’ by the Black Eyed Peas, despite mainstream media’s massive attempts to persuade me that these things are cool.  I’m just not buying.  Maybe it’s my anti-establishment stubbornness, maybe it’s just a matter of taste – but I like to think it’s because my parents, friends and teachers have been the type of people who taught me from a very early age to think for myself, and decide whether I liked something on my own and the basis of its merit, rather than try to fit my taste to what is most easily accessible.  I put football in the same category.  It’s something a lot of people enjoy, and that’s cool.

A lot of the things I like are not enjoyed by a lot of people.  I like to tell people about bands I like, places I enjoy, etc,  but they are usually not well-received, because they are often quite different from what is most prevalent.  It’s because I tend not to listen to the radio or watch a lot of TV, and rather seek out entertainment based on my own tastes and the recommendations of like-minded friends.  The World Cup is extremely popular, and easily accessible.  It doesn’t mean you have to like it, but it’s a lot easier to like it than to not like it.

And that is purely down to marketing.  Specifically, marketing budgets.  More money is being spent on this than any one person can actually comprehend.  From FIFA’s official budget, down to the improvements made by cafe owners to spruce up their bars in preparation for the crowds. FIFA will make a massive profit from this event, and South Africa will make a net loss – this is well-known.

Where there is money, motives are never clear.  FIFA claims to be doing it for the benefit of the sport, and that may well be true. But one cannot ignore the fact that this is primarily a business venture, and that the target market is the entire world. You see ads about it all over the place; on TV, on the radio, all over the interwebs, and pasted up next to your office water-cooler.

There is no escaping it, and you have only two choices: fit in or fuck off. Like it or lump it.  I’ve tried to get excited about it.  I really have.  But I would be lying to myself if I pretended that I was. I will watch the opening game and the final, and some in-between, because they will be enjoyable social events.  But I cannot bring myself to summon enthusiasm for one team winning over another.

I have a great many interests, but this is not one of them. It is my hope that my friends, and my readers, will understand this – if not agree with it or support it.  We are not all created equal, with the same likes and dislikes, and to me it is entirely natural to have no interest in the Football World Cup. Maybe there are others who will read this who feel the same.  It doesn’t matter if there are or not, though.

I wrote this so that those who berate me for having no national pride, or just for being a grump, might understand that there are different ways of seeing this whole thing.  I wish I could go back in time and tell fourteen year-old me that there is nothing wrong with having little interest in sports, and that it is no crime not to enjoy something in which the vast majority take so much pleasure.

Everyone is different.  In a time when the world comes together to support their countries, and take pride in being on the same side, I feel that it is important to remember this.  If your horse prefers orange juice over water you can shove its head in the lake as much as you like but it won’t take a drink.  And I am that horse.

Yours

Norman Conquest

Edited for your displeasure.

Certainly, necessity would suggest that in order to get changed, one should at some stage have to be unclothed – this is a given and is quite acceptable. The issue of being unclothed only becomes an issue when, for example:

• Men sit bollocks-naked on the little benchy things (and thus leave scrot-box germs on them)
• Men take off their clothes to have a shower but then dawdle around; nispies swinging in the breeze,
• Men feel the need to put lotion on themselves, everywhere. Yes. Everywhere.
• Men find it necessary to shave, totally naked – in front of the mirror. Why would one need to be totally naked to do that; especially in the company of other men. Besides, just think what would happen if you dropped the razor…
• There are young good looking types bending down to tie their shoe laces and you walk past them with your nispy at eye height.

Step Two: Dress properly
I have seen people at the gym wearing Diesel shoes, Slip slops and most importantly a pair of Adidas Superstar 35th Anniversary shoes (the Berlin edition). Wear running shoes, that’s what god made them for.
When it comes to other clothing, one realises that body-builder types have mutated and abused their bodies to the point of them being unable to fit into normal clothes, but surely those silly oversized tee-shirts with the necks cut out of them are unnecessary? The same goes for those silly kind of pyjama/clown pants they wear.
In terms of women, is it necessary to wear as little as possible? Aren’t you afraid of popping out somewhere? I’ve heard stories of men “falling out” of those stupid running shorts, and while women’s anatomies certainly are more tantalising, surely this is a worry. One can still work out wearing a normal pair of shorts, instead of a pair the size of a glove.

Step Three: Do not touch yourself too much
Not only do muscle-mary types look at themselves in the mirror too much, I have personally witnessed one who was feeling his boob in the mirror. That can’t be good. The same goes for flexing in the mirror – can that not be done in the privacy of the home?

Step Four: If you sweat explosively, please do something about it
Some men manage to not just sweat so that it runs down their bodies, which is indeed a good indication that they are working hard, but some manage to get it to actually fly off their bodies on to the people surrounding them. If this occurs often, one should consider getting a plastic bubble in which to train.

Step Five: Don’t scream
We know you are strong. We know you can do big weights. We know your training partner is secretly in love with you and the tight cycling shorts you wear. It is not necessary to scream every time you lift; one understands the theory that screaming gives you a boost in order to lift heavier weights, but rather aim to scream inwardly, like the inward-screaming monks of Patagonia – they have been practising for hundreds of years. Similarly, do not throw your weights on to the ground after your set so that they make a big booming noise and everyone looks at you. Everyone knows you should take up another hobby, like reading – it’s not necessary to tell everyone.

That's a strong pepper. The other man has kind eyes.

Step Six: If you have strange tics, please try keep them to yourself
There are certain people one sees at the gym regularly and a small percentage of these people are twitchers (no, not bird-watchers, nutters). There is one lady who headbangs as she burns those calories on the stepping machine, and another who appears to shake her head while on the stationary bicycle, sunglasses on all the while.

I suggest therapy.

Step Seven: If you are going to use a spotter, do not get the spotter to do all the work
To give a quick definition of spotting: A spotter is someone who helps you to do the last 2-3 reps in a set of lifts. A spotter allows you to push yourself just past your limit and thus gain in strength. Many younger males of the human persuasion often take spotting to new highs. I have witnessed three people (veins bulging as they worked) helping someone lift an impossibly heavy weight for bench-press. This is silly. And stupid. Who are you fooling? Only your mom.

Step Eight: Parking close to the gym is redundant, you are going there to work out
Many people appear to spend ages circling the gym, looking for good parking. Surely if one is going to the gym to work out – it would help to park further away? Just a thought. Use it. Or use it.

Step Nine: Please bear in mind with the longer bars that as you take weights off one end it will cause the much-maligned see-saw effect.
Back when I was sixteen and still strong (seriously) a friend and I had just got off the bench-press and up sidled some middle-aged women – keen to improve those pecs of theirs. After complaining loudly that someone hadn’t taken the weights off, they began to take them off from only the one side, causing the much-maligned see-saw effect. The much-maligned see-saw effect occurs when the weights are taken off one side of the bar – this causes it to become unbalanced and as it becomes unbalanced – all of the weights on the heavier side slide off on to the floor – causing a huge kerfuffle and generally causing everyone to look at you. Now, as these women weren’t well versed in the much-maligned see-saw effect their actions caused it to happen, unfortunately for them; the lady wearing the ankle brace was standing on the side where all the weights fell off.

She was quite angry.

*Insert farting noise here*

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Step Ten: Be wary of leg press machines
Having 350kg pushing your legs down so that your knees are under your chin and you are stuck like a little man-pretzel inside some gym equipment is not that fun, and quite embarrassing.

Yours flexingly,
(oooh it feels so hard and big)
Pole Wit

Funny guy, Worth checking out

I don’t watch TV most of the time, In fact I only ever leave my PC for partying and sex. I also don’t watch cricket much, any game that takes place over 5 days has to be observed using what I call “The Martin Evans Method”. Martin Evan is a comedian who stated that cricket should not be watched and should instead be enjoyed over the radio, while driving around doing your daily errands. He also specifies that one should be under the influence of marijuana. In fact the bit about being high was the pivotal point of his discussion.

There is however a form of cricket which does not required the viewer to be high, namely Pro20. Staying on the topic of of Pro20 we must take in to consideration the IPL which is the most enjoyable form of the sport because it brings together the top players from around the world and puts them into teams with players they would normally be working against.

It's cricket, But exciting somehow

My issue with this though is that to watch I’d have to turn on the TV, an idea which fills me nauseous loathing, I have however found a solution to this problem, it also means that those of you who find yourselves stuck behind a desk during the games can sneakily enjoy the game without having to resort to the live score updates on cricinfo.com and in a stunning departure from the normal modus operandi of these things, it’s 100% legal.

You should see this

What you need to do is go to the IPL’s official Youtube channel and…  actually that’s all you need to do, go to the channel and if there’s a game on you’ll see in the little video window thingy, streamed to you over the internet with a 5 minute delay, presumably so they can properly buffer the stream. Ya, so they can buffer the stream, most definitely not to encourage people to pay to watch it on TV.

So there you have it. Enjoy.

Blame the economy.

It's nice how they've got the kids involved

The opening ceremony of the 2010 Winter Olympics is a mere month away, and weather, the wrong kind, has arrived in the host city, and it was anything but wintry.

Olympic planners found themselves scurrying to adapt to torrents of rain and near-record mild temperatures that hit not only Vancouver, but far up Cypress Mountain, the North Shore peak overlooking the city where snowboarding and freestyle skiing events will be staged.

The slopes of Cypress were so wet and balmy that all ski activity on the heavily used mountain was cancelled for the next two days at least, and VANOC called a halt to its extensive snowmaking operation there.

"The Winter Olympics have always intrigued me" - Nick Krige

Organizers are sufficiently alarmed by the spate of warm, moist air that they may decide to close off Cypress to the public as early as tomorrow, 2 and a half weeks earlier than planned.

“We need freezing temperatures to get our snowmaking machines going, and right now, we’ve got a Pineapple Express(not the movie) going through,” said Tim Gayda, VANOC vice-president of sport.

Mr. Gayda said the extra time may be necessary to bring down enough snow from higher elevations to ensure the venues are in good shape for the Olympics.

Easily my favourite "event" at the Winter Olympics

“Right now, that’s our biggest challenge. Mother Nature is always unpredictable, and you have to plan for every scenario. It’s just the nature of the beast.”

Previous test events on Cypress also ran into weather problems. Mogul runs were delayed for hours by heavy fog that obscured the start line from judges at the bottom of the course. And a parallel giant slalom event was cancelled outright because of poor snow conditions.
Snow-making machines have been operating since November to groom and build up the Olympic courses at Cypress. Huge mounds of natural snow have also been stockpiled nearby to be used, if needed, during the Games.

Mr. Gayda said there is enough snow – both artificial and natural – to stage all events, even in a downpour similar to the current deluge. “It might be unpleasant, but that’s the way it is in the outdoor sports business.”

Goodbye

Three people died – the driver, a coach and a media officer – in the attack by separatist guerrillas in the province of Cabinda where Togo are due to face Ghana in their opening game on Monday.

Togo government spokesperson Pascal Bodjona had said: “We can’t continue in these dramatic circumstances in the African Nations Cup. Our players are in shock.”

Mustapha Salifou: Aston Villa's Togolese star / Fotosports.com

The players were not all in agreement, according to radio interviews given by both midfielder Alaixys Romao and forward Thomas Dossevi.

Romao said: “People died for this African Nations Cup, others were injured. We should not abandon them and go like cowards. If we stay here it is for them. But also so as not to satisfy the rebels.” Dossevi added: “Of course we are all heartbroken, it is no longer a party, but we had wanted to show our national colours, our values and that we are men.”

CAF in waiting

The African Football Federation could not confirm or deny the reports. In the meantime CAF president Issa Hayatou obtained assurances from Angola President Jose Eduardo dos Santos that security would be increased for the tournament, which begins today when the hosts play Mali.

After his meeting, Hayatou flew to Cabinda to meet the Togo and Ghana players as well as the Burkina Faso and Ivory Coast teams who make up Group B, accompanied by almost the entire executive members of CAF, the general secretary and the executive director of the competition.

Hayatou said: “We are in a deep shock following the tragic incident that happened to our Togolese brothers and friends. You came here to play football but tragically three of your brothers were killed. I am feeling terribly bad and short of words. It is left to you to decide to stay in a competition synonym of fraternity, brotherhood, friendship and solidarity.

“If you decide to leave the competition, we will definitely understand your decision and it will be accepted. It is a difficult, individual and also collective choice, you are the only one who can decide.”

Trying some new names out, as putting a “Lunch Time Sports Round Up” every day is quite boring, and it probably won’t look that good on the site. Unless I post other sport stories in between, but that sounds like way to much like hard work.

Today we have something on Herschelle Gibbs, a Tiger health update, a surprising fact about cricket and the usual transfer rumours from Europes soccer elite.

Gibbs to Quit

The big news today, for fans of South African fans at least, is that apparently Herschelle Gibbs is considering retirement from international cricket.

This comes as quite a shock, as A.) I thought he has retired already, when was the last time he played for South Africa, and B.) Why couldn’t it have been Mark Boucher? WHY?!?!?

Apparently someone close to Gibbs told Sports24, ““It has nothing to do with the fact that he has been omitted for the umpteenth time.”

Cheers everyone, off to have a bong, a beer and place a bet.

This is laughable for many reasons, the biggest of which is that the closest person to Gibbs is probably his drug dealer, so how reliable a source is that?

The next part of the quote, “While there are still a few options to consider, he feels that he has had enough after such a long career” is just plain ridiculous, because according other reports even IF he does retire from internationals, he will still be available for the Indian Premier League, the highest paid form of cricket in the world. Seems as if he really is considering those other options then…

Communal, open air toilets, definitely a reason to retire

The quote concludes, “The reality is that he should already have retired last year as he wanted to finish his career on a high in order to safeguard his legacy.” Which only serves to prove that Sport24 were talking to Gibbs’ drug dealer, or at the very least a drug taker, as even though I’m sure Gibbs was high at some stage last year, quitting then wouldn’t have ended his career on one.

I’m fairly sure it wasn’t more than 12 months ago when Gibbs had to enter rehab for alcoholism, adding to him getting busted for Marijuana earlier in his career AND being implicated in the infamous Variegate match fixing candle. Some legacy.

Tiger Watch

Even though Nike, Gillette, Golf Digest and Net jets have stuck with Tiger, probably the most important one (in terms of maintaining relationships with 47 girlfriends and a wife) Gatorade has their sponsorship of him and discontinued Gatorade Tiger drinks.

No more electrolytes for Tiger.

This is very disturbing news for Tiger as he will have to look elsewhere for energy and electrolytes to maintain his infidelity. At the end of the day a cheater can’t change it’s spots and leopards never prosper.

In slightly more disturbing news (I laughed), it has emerged that Tiger seldom, if ever, used a condom with his binties and his wife is now experiencing an HIV plus other STD scare. Do the Hivvie!

Not sure if I'd cheat on this. Now possibly with HIV

Woods has been slammed by US health “experts”.

Infidelity expert (would like to find out how to become one of these) Ruth Houston claimed Woods is not a sex addict but just “enjoys playing around with the other women”. I wonder what “expertise” he had to study to come to this earth shattering conclusion.

BUT she has decided to stick with him, so hopefully that will be the end of that. Chances…

Cricket outperforms rugby and soccer

A headline that really caught my eye was that cricket has achieved a higher annual growth rate than both rugby and soccer in South Africa.

Soccer I can understand, it is played predominantly by black people, and all black people play soccer, so there isn’t much room for growth.

But rugby, seriously? Unless the stats take into account how many people have to stop playing rugby after injury, I’m not entirely sure how that is possible.

On the other hand, it may help to explain why attendances at cricket games have been so abysmal recently. Let me elaborate.

Cricket takes a bloody long time, the shortest form of the game that they can think of takes three hours and the longest takes five days, with various forms of the game falling in between those two. So now, as the highest growing sport in the country, more and more people are getting stuck out on cricket fields for vast amounts of time, and no one can make it to the ground to watch the professionals. Rugby attendances are safe because they only play cricket in the summer.

Rumors

The big transfer rumour floating around the English Premier League today is that Liverpool are interested in signing a Tottenham Hotspur striker.

For all the Liverpool fans out there who are struggling to come to terms with the poor year you have been having, this may push you over the edge.

Liverpool want to sign Tottenham fourth, in case you can’t read 4th, choice striker Roman Pavlyuchenko. The Russian has amassed a grand total playing time of about 37 and a half second this year, and Liverpool want him to replace Torres.

Soon to be in red for club and country. Maybe.

The financial trouble at Liverpool has been well documented, but the rumour rags have got around this by saying Rafa Benitez will offer Ryan Babel in exchange for the Russian. But with Spurs looking to try and recoup as much of the £17 Million they spent on Pavlyuchenko, Rafa may need to offer Babel plus cash.

At 22 Babel has really high resale value, so if Spurs want cash plus Babel it might be a deal breaker.

As a Spurs fan I hope the deal breaks, as far as Babel is concerned, my humble opinion, Do Not Want.

Also Blackburn join a long list of clubs who want Ruud van Nistelroy, and Chelsea have made a bid for Luis Suarez of Ajax, who is very highly rated around Europe.

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

Sevens

The South African leg of the IRB Sevens kicks off in George Tomorrow afternoon, so if you are in the area pop down, sevens really has become a sport on its own and is fantastic to watch. It is the newest Olympic Sport after all.

Soon to be in a George near you

South Africa are the defending champions at George and will hopefully manage a better performance than they did last week in Dubai.

Go to google, type in sevens and check out the first picture that comes up, I laughed.

Cheers

It’s about time some regular features starting appearing on this website, so starting today the Lunch Time Sports Round Up will hopefully become a daily feature. This is of course subject to how much time I have at work, and whether or not my boss is behind me, but I will do my best to keep you updated on the goings on of the sporting world all in one place.

Today’s episode includes a fat old English soccer player being linked to a move to Manchester United, the Champions League Results from last night, more news on Tiger Woods (but only because you can’t go anywhere on the internet without seeing him these days) and some other random crap I found. Enjoy!

Judas to become a Devil

Without a doubt the rumour of the day is that Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United, is interested in signing Sol Campbell in January.

Sol is available on a free transfer after walking out on his contract with Notts County after just one game.

Both The Sun and The Daily Mirror claim that Sir is after the 35 year old English centre back.

There is no real indicator of fit he is, or indeed if he is even still any good at defending as he hasn’t played competitive football since leaving Notts.

He has been linked with every club under the sun, from Newcastle, to Arsenal, he has been training with them post-Notts, to Tottenham, who never have more than one fit centre back, and now to Manchester United.

The unfortunate thing though is that this is almost certainly a false rumour. A knee-jerk reaction to Manchester United starting their Champions league game last night with Michael Carrick and Darren Fletcher in the centre of defence.

Campbell’s reputation in the footballing world isn’t what could be described “angelic”. He is known amongst Spurs fans as “Judas” after walking out on the club to move to their biggest rivals, Arsenal. He also has a bit of a reputation for letting his contracts lapse, which means the club he moves to doesn’t have to pay a fee for him, so he can get higher wages. He also walked out on a five year contract with Notts after one game.

So he will probably fit in at United, who in the past have had the likes of Roy Keane, walked out on Celtic as a player and Sunderland as a manager, and Eric Cantona who fly kicked a fan.

Cantona: Campbell's rolemodel at United

But my opinion, as with much of the footballing world’s I’m sure, runs along with the gossip columnists at Football365.com, that put the story under the headline “The Please Let This Be True Gossip”.

Champions League Part 1

Staying with football the first half of the last round of group matches in the Champions League was played last night. This means we now know the first bunch of teams to have qualified for the next round are, and more importantly the ones that didn’t.

Bayern Munich saw Juventus relegated to the Europa League by beating them 4-1, a victory inspired by a penalty converted by the Munich goalkeeper, Hans-Jorg Butt, I’m not kidding. About the goal or his name. FC Bordeaux qualified top of group A, with Bayern Munich, which goes along nicely with their top position in the French league, but no-one cares about them, their French.

Hans-Jorg saving a penaly Butt last night he scored one

Manchester United qualified from group B easily, after beating Wolfsburg 3-1. CSKA Moscow will be joining Manchester from this group, but only if they can explain why two of their players failed drugs tests, presumably, “They just wanted to get high” won’t be explanation enough.

Hat-trick Hero

AC Milan and Real Madrid qualified from group C, beating out FC Zurich, and Marseille. Boring, predictable.

Group D was even worse in that it was decided before last nights games were played. A 3-0 win for Porto over Athletico Madrid wasn’t good enough to overtake Chelsea, who could only manage a home draw against APOEL Arzsdn, or something.

Athletico Madrid’s performances have been so consistently poor this season that they finished last in their group, below APEFL Afdsg, or something, and won’t even make the Europa League.

The list of huge clubs to have failed to qualify so far: Juventus, Athletico Madrid and of course Liverpool.

“God Bless Tiger Woods”

The words of Yahoo! chief executive, Carol Bartz.

He comments further, “This week we got a huge uplift: Front Page, News, Sports, Gossip. He just filtered through the whole place. It is better than Michael Jackson dying; it is kind of hard to put an ad next to a funeral.”

Nike: Just Stop It

So basically his two favourite things in the world are people dying and divorce. Nice guy.

Tiger has of course been in the news since he crashed his car on November 27 and has since had what have to be the worst few weeks of his life, involving a possible split with his wife, her moving out and his infidelity.

The infamous crash

And to compound it all, Woods’ mother-in-law was in hospital yesterday, but has been released and everything seems to be okay. With the mother-in-law at least.

On the plus side, maybe, the ultimate playboy, Hugh Hefner has come out in support of Tiger. How Ellen, Tiger’s wife, will view this is another issue entirely.

A Little with Bat and Ball

England feel South Africa are theirs for the taking in the upcoming Test series between the two countries, despite the fact that they are currently struggling in their warm up game against the South African Invitational XI.

Will England be to good for them?

The ICC are considering scraping the home and away rule for future test series, to open up the calendar a bit. This will allow National cricket councils to arrange more tests for series with “icon” status and give them more room to decide who and when they play.

The Rest

Craig Bellamy and Vladimir Weiss of Manchester City have swine flu. I wonder if they caught it from each other.

Sick as a pig

The New Zealand rugby coach is pleased with their year end tour, even though a leading journalist in New Zealand still claims that the Springboks should be considered number one,  although the rankings disagree.

Australia have named an unchanged side for the third test, despite struggling to a draw earlier this week.

Italy Coach Nick Mallet believes that despite victories by France and Ireland over the Springboks and All Blacks in the recent tours the Southern Hemisphere are still the top dogs in rugby.

Like some Americans: Still believes in the South

For the six teams the last three years of strife will be worth it, but for the other six it will mean they will have to wait at least another four years to be in a World Cup.

For the older players it will represent their last chance of playing on the biggest stage in soccer, and the fact that it is a landmark tournament, the first ever FIFA World Cup in Africa, just adds to the desire to be a part of the spectacle.

Of the six places left, four are for European teams, one is for a play-off between the best of the worst from South and North America, and the last place is being fought for by two African teams.

In the European section the play-off is played over two legs, the first having been played over the weekend. This has resulted in some teams having a distinct advantage going into this evenings games.

There has been a lot of talk, especially from the Portuguese and French, about how people should be getting behind Portugal and France, because if they don’t qualify some of the best players in the world won’t be at the World Cup, cheapening the event.

Personally I don’t care, soccer is a team game, and if Portugal have the best player in the world and can’t qualify through their group or past Bosnia, they really don’t deserve to be at the World Cup.

France vs Republic of Ireland
The French traveled to Ireland over the weekend for the first leg and came home with a vital 1-0 win, thanks to a Nicolas Anelka goal.

France will be incredibly fired up for the game, as they are looking to use the World Cup in South Africa next year to make up for their dismal showing in last years Euro Championship in which France didn’t win a single game.

Taking a one goal lead into the game in Paris tonight gives the French a major advantage. Another thing the French will take heart in from the first leg was how impotent the Irish looked going forward.

If France can score an early goal in Paris the tie will be all but over. The best Ireland can hope for is to back there defence and sneak a cheeky goal with a counter attack and look to win on penalties.

Ukraine vs Greece

Of all the teams who finished second in their qualification groups, meaning they had to play in the play-offs, Ukraine could count themselves amongst the most unfortunate.

They were part of the group which included England, who finished the campaign with nine wins from ten games, and the only team that England lost to during qualifying was the Ukraine.

They would probably have qualified comfortably from five out of the nine groups. But even as it stands they are favourites to go through. Greece experienced a woeful qualification campaign finishing second in their group behind Switzerland and only three points above Latvia. The other teams in their group were Israel, Luxembourg and Moldova. Not exactly England or Croatia like Ukraine had in their group.

Ukraine also managed a 0-0 draw in Athens over the weekend, putting them in the pound seat for qualification. Added to that is the fact that Ukraine are yet to lose at home in qualification so far. One worry the Ukrainians will have however is that the Greeks have actually been relatively strong on the road during qualification. Still, Advantage Ukraine

Slovenia vs Russia

Russia were another team that were a little unlucky not to qualify directly. A couple results here and there and they could have got themselves above Germany and booked cheaper early flights to South Africa.

Russia were right on top of Germany with two qualification games left, but then succumbed to a defeat in Moscow to Germany to end there hopes of automatic qualification. Then an away draw to Azerbaijan sealed a very disappointing end to the qualification campaign.

If Slovenia do eventually manage to get through to the World Cup Showpiece in South Africa it will be a surprise backdoor entry of some note. They finished second in easily the most awful group in qualification. They finished second behind Slovakia, and second above the Czech Republic (who were uncharacteristically bad, but definitely deserved not to qualify), Northern Ireland, Poland, and San Marino. Yes, it really was that bad.

After the draw for the play-offs Russia would’ve been pleased to get former satellite state Slovenia as opposition. Comfortably the easiest opponent in the play-off draw. But Slovenia through a spanner in the Russian engine by scoring a late consolation goal in Moscow over the weekend.

Russia still won the game 2-1, BUT it gave Slovenia an away goal, which means that if Slovenia can grab a goal from somewhere in the home leg and hold Russia out, they will win the tie 2-2 on away goals.

Russia still have the advantage, but there will definitely be some nerves amongst the Russians going out onto the field against Slovenia tonight.

Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Portugal

Portugal should never have found themselves in this situation, they have a squad full of world class players including, World Player of the Year, and one of the top two players in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo. Added to that was the fact that they had an “easy” group, and they should have qualified easily, but they didn’t.

Portugal made it to the play-offs finishing second behind Denmark, yes you read correctly, and above Sweden, Hungary, Albania and Malta.

A home loss to Denmark and draws against Albania (at home), Denmark and Sweden twice, probably had more than a little to do with them finishing second.

Portugal take a slight advantage into tonight’s game having won the first leg in Portugal 1-0. BUT, they have to play tonight’s game without Ronaldo. Portugal have been woeful without him recently, lacking creativity going forward, looking lost in front of goal, not finding gaps in defence.

In short I would almost back Bosnia to go through, there are many people who want Portugal, and Ronaldo, to go through and they might, but this is by far the most interesting of the European ties being played tonight.

Algeria vs Egypt

Different from all the remain qualification ties, the Africa play-off is a once off game played at a neutral venue. The reason the play-off is necessary is that Egypt and both Algeria finished Group C of the African qualify campaign with the same amount of points, the same goal difference, and the same goals for and against.

Making a play-off at a neutral venue the only way to separate the two sides. The Pharaohs, Egypt, and all their fans thought their drive for South Africa 2010 was all whilst playing Algeria in Cairo, leading 1-0 when the 90 minutes were up, the slender victory not being enough to leapfrog Algeria on the table. Luckily for the Pharaohs the officials saw fit to add six minutes of extra time, in which Egypt scored, forcing the Neutral play-off.

Usually Egypt would be favourites for the clash, but being as the countries are such big rivals and they were so even throughout the entire campaign. This is going to be a very close encounter. The fact that Egypt won the last meeting between the two 2-0 gives them the edge.

Uruguay vs Costa Rica

Being played all the way in the Western Hemisphere means that this game will decide the very last of the 32 qualifiers for the FIFA 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Uruguay should get through this game easily, history is on their side, as way more often than not the team from South America over the team from the North. And this year really shouldn’t be any different.

Costa Rica made it to the play-off through finishing behind the United States of America, Mexico and Honduras above El Salvador and Trinidad and Tobago. Not the hugest names in the soccer world.

Whereas Uruguay finished behind, and had to compete with Brazil, Paraguay, Chile and Argentina and above Colombia, Ecuador, Venezuela, Bolivia and Peru. Definitely much stronger opposition.

Uruguay also take a 1-0 advantage into the second leg tonight, and barring some magic from Costa Rica, this should be an easy tie for Uruguay. It’s a little surprising that bookies are still taking bets on this one, I wouldn’t

We all know that Jacques Kallis is basically mentally handicapped (sorry I meant retarded, no reason to not be politically correct). It is a well-documented fact that he went to Wynberg Boys High School. It is also believed he chose cricket because he realised that when he was batting there was both a scoreboard to count his runs for him, and a batting partner to read the scoreboard for him.

After making the Western Province cricket team he formed immediate bonds with Herschelle Gibbs. They bonded over there collective book-reading tally of zero, and Graeme Smith, who decided it would be very fun to have a pet that could talk and earn a salary.

Intelligence: Not a requirement for a professional cricketer

Taking all of these things into account it occurred to me that Jacques was quite fortunate to have been so talented at cricket.  Otherwise what the hell could he do?

Hmm…

I think his perfect career if he hadn’t have been a cricketer would be to become a guide dog.

“What?!?” I can here you scream, “how dare you say that?!? Guide dogs have to be smart don’t they?”. Yes they do, but, apart from intelligence, he has all the qualities required to become a world class guide dog. He quite obviously has good eye sight, as evidenced by his cricketing career.

"Hey, blind dude! Over HERE!"

The way he responds to instructions from Graeme Smith shows that his hearing is obviously good enough, AND that he obeys instructions to the point where common sense (haha I used the phrase common sense in an article about Jacques Kallis – see that?) isn’t an issue.

The problem with with him being a guide dog is that he would take an awful long time to learn things. Not just because he is stupid – which he is – but look at how long it has taken him to adapt to one day cricket. Also, most of the time dogs are easier to understand.

Dogs can run faster. He is fat.

Favourite Food: Chicken Pasta

He is friends with Mark Boucher, which means if he was your guide dog you would have to put up with Bouch visiting every now and again, a terrible thought. But if Mark Boucher’s batting is an indication of how long he can stay in one place, he won’t be around long.

Jacques either wants to kiss him or eat him

He is dating her:

So once he becomes a guide dog she will probably leave him, as guide dogs don’t make as much as cricketers, and Jacques isn’t exactly Brad Pitt, or me. I’m not saying she is shallow or fickle, I’m saying she is practical and intelligent.

Some more fun facts about Jacques Kallis from his website:

Which superpower would you choose: Invisibility or Strength?

Invisibility – It’s funny cos he’s so fat

Who are you closest to in the team?

Probably Boucher as we spend a lot of time together off the field and live near to each other - Told you

Biggest challenge?

To continue growing as a player and a person – *Insert redundant fat joke here

The jokers in the team?

Gibbs and Nel are the pranksters – Small things amuse small minds, fools seldom differ, retards of a feather flock together. Take your pick.