Funny guy, Worth checking out

I don’t watch TV most of the time, In fact I only ever leave my PC for partying and sex. I also don’t watch cricket much, any game that takes place over 5 days has to be observed using what I call “The Martin Evans Method”. Martin Evan is a comedian who stated that cricket should not be watched and should instead be enjoyed over the radio, while driving around doing your daily errands. He also specifies that one should be under the influence of marijuana. In fact the bit about being high was the pivotal point of his discussion.

There is however a form of cricket which does not required the viewer to be high, namely Pro20. Staying on the topic of of Pro20 we must take in to consideration the IPL which is the most enjoyable form of the sport because it brings together the top players from around the world and puts them into teams with players they would normally be working against.

It's cricket, But exciting somehow

My issue with this though is that to watch I’d have to turn on the TV, an idea which fills me nauseous loathing, I have however found a solution to this problem, it also means that those of you who find yourselves stuck behind a desk during the games can sneakily enjoy the game without having to resort to the live score updates on cricinfo.com and in a stunning departure from the normal modus operandi of these things, it’s 100% legal.

You should see this

What you need to do is go to the IPL’s official Youtube channel and…  actually that’s all you need to do, go to the channel and if there’s a game on you’ll see in the little video window thingy, streamed to you over the internet with a 5 minute delay, presumably so they can properly buffer the stream. Ya, so they can buffer the stream, most definitely not to encourage people to pay to watch it on TV.

So there you have it. Enjoy.

We all know that Jacques Kallis is basically mentally handicapped (sorry I meant retarded, no reason to not be politically correct). It is a well-documented fact that he went to Wynberg Boys High School. It is also believed he chose cricket because he realised that when he was batting there was both a scoreboard to count his runs for him, and a batting partner to read the scoreboard for him.

After making the Western Province cricket team he formed immediate bonds with Herschelle Gibbs. They bonded over there collective book-reading tally of zero, and Graeme Smith, who decided it would be very fun to have a pet that could talk and earn a salary.

Intelligence: Not a requirement for a professional cricketer

Taking all of these things into account it occurred to me that Jacques was quite fortunate to have been so talented at cricket.  Otherwise what the hell could he do?

Hmm…

I think his perfect career if he hadn’t have been a cricketer would be to become a guide dog.

“What?!?” I can here you scream, “how dare you say that?!? Guide dogs have to be smart don’t they?”. Yes they do, but, apart from intelligence, he has all the qualities required to become a world class guide dog. He quite obviously has good eye sight, as evidenced by his cricketing career.

"Hey, blind dude! Over HERE!"

The way he responds to instructions from Graeme Smith shows that his hearing is obviously good enough, AND that he obeys instructions to the point where common sense (haha I used the phrase common sense in an article about Jacques Kallis – see that?) isn’t an issue.

The problem with with him being a guide dog is that he would take an awful long time to learn things. Not just because he is stupid – which he is – but look at how long it has taken him to adapt to one day cricket. Also, most of the time dogs are easier to understand.

Dogs can run faster. He is fat.

Favourite Food: Chicken Pasta

He is friends with Mark Boucher, which means if he was your guide dog you would have to put up with Bouch visiting every now and again, a terrible thought. But if Mark Boucher’s batting is an indication of how long he can stay in one place, he won’t be around long.

Jacques either wants to kiss him or eat him

He is dating her:

So once he becomes a guide dog she will probably leave him, as guide dogs don’t make as much as cricketers, and Jacques isn’t exactly Brad Pitt, or me. I’m not saying she is shallow or fickle, I’m saying she is practical and intelligent.

Some more fun facts about Jacques Kallis from his website:

Which superpower would you choose: Invisibility or Strength?

Invisibility – It’s funny cos he’s so fat

Who are you closest to in the team?

Probably Boucher as we spend a lot of time together off the field and live near to each other - Told you

Biggest challenge?

To continue growing as a player and a person – *Insert redundant fat joke here

The jokers in the team?

Gibbs and Nel are the pranksters – Small things amuse small minds, fools seldom differ, retards of a feather flock together. Take your pick.