I’m pretty sure I’ve been there before but it was quite some time ago. Regardless, it doesn’t have any bearing on this particular occasion. After much discussion we decided that we would eat there. after much effort, the waiter was summoned to the table, I have no problem with this. In Cape Town during the holiday season service will be shit, it’s a fact of life that we’ve learned to deal with. I chose the Q4 burger and found it to be enjoyable but nothing to write home about. Post-dinner we decided that it was time to move the evening down to the local as some members of the group were rapidly approaching the point where it would be reckless to try make it home from the Waterfront.

We prefer to avoid this.

After much effort the bill was obtained and the laborious process of calculating who owed what began. While bored I simply calculated my estimated bill in my head, The burger was R55 and I had 2 cokes due to my ongoing Synergy recovery. I budgeted for the cokes at a max of R15 which while steep is the sort of rip off restaurant price I’d expect from a place situated in the waterfront trying to push it’s luck. I thus calculated my bill as 55+30=R85. I then added the usual additional charges like the imposed 10% fee for the waiter to not serve a table over 8. To be honest I don’t really see why 8 is the magical number, perhaps it’s because ignoring 8 people simultaneously becomes difficult.

When the bill arrived I was in for something of a nasty surprise. My cokes were, for some inexplicable reason R22 each. I double checked to make sure I was seeing correctly and there it was still, L/coke @ R22. I considered raising a fuss about it but decided to rather simply pay the devil’s ransom and leave.

But I can’t just drop it. It’s been burning inside me since last night. It’s not that the extra 14 bucks hurt me financially, it’s the fucking cheek of it. At a table drinking a variety of draughts the most expensive drink was the cokes. Yes, I paid more for 300ml of what I assume to be soda machine coke than the rest of the table paid for 500ml of draught beer. What The Fuck. One of my soft drinks cost me 2/5 of of what I paid for my food. This isn’t a glass of cheap wine with a huge markup here, it’s a fucking coke. Coincidentally the cheapest wine on the menu from what I saw was R19, cheap compared to cooldrink.

For an idea of the markups here we can consider that I, as a normal citizen, can go down to my local Spar and, for a little over R11 buy 2 litres of coke. So for slightly more than R22 I can buy 4 litres. This is at retail prices, which come in quite a bit higher than soda machine wholesale prices.

In fact, for R22 I can buy more than just coca cola. If we consider than a gram of cheap blow costs R300 (allegedly), and that gram can be easily separated into 15 moderately-sized lines (from what I’ve heard) that means that a line of Colombian Snow costs about R20. I paid more for a glass of coke than I would for a line of coke. What the fuck?

If you can't afford coca cola remember this cheaper alternative

I can only assume from this that they would prefer everyone at your table including the designated driver to booze it up and then drive home pissed, because anyone who knowingly orders a soft drink at that price is brain damaged. Ironically while running this rip off they advertise Castle’s Designated Driver competition on their twitter page.

The irony kills me

In case it wasn’t obvious from this, I will never set foot in Quay 4 again. Should you know someone involved in it, (owner/manager/waiter) please tell them that they’re welcome to explain this to me, the comments section is right there go fuck themselves.

Regards.

Kyle.

For those of you still with me we will take a “penetrating ” look at the matter at “hand”. Can’t get laid?  You’re not me then. Fleshlight wants to sell you an artificial vagina or mouth to ease your “load”. They market their products as stamina training devices in attempt to ease the deep self-loathing their customers feel upon clicking purchase. Their product line was originally designed to look like a “knockoff” Maglight so casual discovery could be avoided and with it the burning scorn that would and should be directed at the owner, hence the name fleshlight.

In theory, you'd place a penis in there

They have since added Sex in a Can to their product line which allows the owner to pretend they bought an overpriced and imaginatively-decorated beer off the internet.

Try explain why you keep your beer at the back of your sock drawer before the finder figures out how to open this thing.

Where things really take a serious downward turn though is with their latest product, The Succu Dry. A fleshlight can designed to imitate a vampire’s mouth, if a vampire had rubber teeth and an acne-ridden throat. The inspiration for this horror could only be the insipid teen romance/tale of homosexuality, known as the Twilight series. The most worrying part of the equation is that a market for this thing exists, meaning that there is some link between semi retarded teenage girls and men who dress like The Village People (I’ve been to adult world before, everyone in that place is wearing an unzipped leather biker vest).  Why any man would want to stick his, and I quote from the product website here, “Stake” into this thing is beyond me but it seems that different strokes for different folks would be the phrase to use here.

It's actually modelled on Edward Cullen.

The major question for me though is why would anyone pay good money for this product when, should this be your kettle of “fish” (sorry) all one needs to do is find a male twilight fan, hand them a pair of plastic fangs, and let them do what they do best.  Suck dick.  Because guys who like twilight are, without exception, homosexual. Why spend $55 (that’s Over 400ZARs at time of writing) plus shipping an risk the potential embarrassment of having this thing discovered when you can get the same thing for free. You’re still a creep either way though.

Succu Dry

Via

Geekologie