Has your life ever sounded like this?
- It’s not you… it’s me.
- I just need some time to find myself.
- I don’t think I can do this any more.
- I think we’re just growing in different directions, you know?
If the answer is yes, chances are that you’ve broken up with someone at some stage in your life. Breaking up is like fucking your parents or performing back surgery on yourself – never an easy thing to do. Whether it was meant to happen or not, it will always suck. Break-ups are the industrial vacuum cleaners of our lives, and the sad thing is that they don’t leave our carpets any cleaner than they were in the first place.
As breaking up is a two way street, I am going to… break up this piece into two… pieces.
You can find a picture of her boobs on the Internet. Not nice if you're a boyfriend that likes to keep his girlfriend's boobs to himself.
Part Une: People breaking up with you
Remember those lines you read earlier. Here’s what they really mean.
-It’s not you… it’s me. And I hate you.
- I just need some time to find myself. And someone else.
- I don’t think I can do this any more. By ‘this’ I mean you.
- I think we’re just growing in different directions, you know? Like I’m trying to grow as far away from you as possible.
This is a picture of a pornstar and her boyfriend. He looks happy for someone who has a girlfriend that fucks other dudes.
Ah, those break up clichés. At least we aren’t always as honest as we could be. It could be a lot worse. Witness these break up lines I witnessed when I was interning at Dr Utada’s Japanese Love Clinic.
-I ran over your dog, I think we should have wild monkey sex with other people.
- Know that guy who you always thought I was cheating on you with? The guy you always hated and didn’t trust? Yeah well, you were right. I’ve been doing all the things I said were too degrading to do with him, instead of you.
- I’m leaving you. I’ve legally married Mount Fuji. I plan to buy used schoolgirl underwear from vending machines and make myself a suit, then run around on the summit. And it’s not me… it’s you.
So, the point is – it could always be worse. Those 34 minutes I spent with Dr Utada were a real eye-opener for me. One of the broken-up couples did give me their Udon though, which was great. They broke up mid-meal.
There are a few ways that one can handle being broken up with. I found these two written on a grain of rice that I bought at a craft market.
- Pretend like the person who’s breaking up with you never existed. As soon as they say the words, act as if they’re invisible. Just imagine: What? Did anyone else hear that? Is this house built on an Indian burial ground or something? … That’s it! I’m calling Chief Sits-With-Piles to exorcise this place!
- Pretend you’re an Italian from an advert. As your break up fight escalates, start shouting things passionately and throwing vases in slow motion. At least one of you should be wearing red. *It must be noted that you should stock up on vases whenever you feel your relationship might be going through a rough patch.
You may wonder how they managed to fit so much on one grain of rice – it was long-grain basmati.
To summarise being broken up with: practise your break-up speech often and work on getting it as fast as possible. That way – as soon as your partner says, “Honey-gorgeous-darling-babes, we need to talk…” you can say, “I think we should see other people.” and they can say, “All I wanted to say was that we should go watch the International mini-kite festival at the beach this weekend, some of them are in such amusing shapes.”
From then on, it’s up to you. Kites or single life.
This is some Japanese art showing a Samurai doing the naughty with a man. You may make sword jokes.
Part Deux: Breaking up with other people
The first question is: do you really want to break up with this person? If the answer is no, then, well, you probably shouldn’t. If you are slightly unsure and sort of vaguely unhappy in your relationship, you could always do nothing because it is too much effort to break up and find someone else; get married to your partner; have children; grow to resent everything that happens in your pathetic, grey, boring life; become fat and die. It’s up to you. At least you didn’t have to go through the effort of breaking up, right?
Right.
Not all of us are made for everyone else. Think of it like this: we’re all puzzle pieces, but we’re not all parts of the same puzzle. So, not only do we have to hope we’re part of the same puzzle, we also have to hope that our puzzle pieces fit together. If your puzzle piece is someone’s nose and the person you are hoping to be with is part of the misty mountains in the distance, you’ve got no chance. To show how diverse the world is: here are some real life puzzles I saw when I interned at Junket’s Puzzle Emporium in 1992.
- Homer and Aristotle having a wrestling match.
- A young Hungarian boy with a packet of limes slung over his shoulder.
- A pack of Rottweilers dressed up as babies, with bones cut into the shape of rattles, afloat on a sea of dreams.
- A person dressed like a pencil, dancing the waltz with a chocolate bar, in the ballroom of Versailles.
- Two racing drivers, Jesus, a gardener doing some topiary (in the shape of a fish with high heels on) and a tennis ball. All having sex.
If there is that kind of diversity around, we can all realise how difficult it is to find someone that is right for us. At least as painful as finding a piece of hay in a needlestack.
You may wonder why I haven’t mentioned ways to actually break up with someone. That is because only you can know how to do that. In case you are really stuck, here are two methods I found when I dredged up old Mr Woodbine’s koi pond last summer.
- Move to another country. Don’t send a forwarding address. Consider getting some plastic surgery so that no one will ever recognise you again. This is a great method if you hate your family too.
- Find a sheet and some old chains. Cut eye holes in the sheet and attach the chains to your wrists. Now you can pretend to be a ghost and scare the vagesus right off of your partner. They’ll think your house is haunted and they’ll never want to see you again. Just be sure to make ‘WoooOOOooooOOOOOo’ noises. It makes it that much more believable.
Now that we’ve come so far together, there are a few things I’ve realised. I think we need to talk…
Apparently this is some street art from Slovenia. An artistic, hateful bunch, those Slovenians.
I just can’t write this piece any more. It’s not you… it’s me. Etcetera. Ad Nauseam. Cry cry. Throw vases in slow motion.
Yours with ellipses…
Pee Ess Wee
P.S. Ellipses are these (…) – as soon as your partner starts using them around you – you’re fucked. Break up with them as soon as possible.
Related posts:
Brilliant. There is one standard I’ve found in all my relationships at the end of them and that is “bullshit” haha.
For example don’t tell someone you need time to yourself, then go and hook up with someone else right after.
Break up lines are full of contradictions. I’ve experienced one “easy” break up in terms of “the talk” but that doesn’t mean it was easy afterwards.